your parents

Dear Mum and Dad,

This is the kind of letter that I would never really say to you or give to you in person. Unless it was something that was on like a Mother's Day or Father's Day card, or something like that. I know you probably .. don't like the way I am most of the time. And I know that I'm usually really bitchy, like if I have to repeat something or explain something then I know I'm probably really bitchy and get really pissed off about it. Especially to my mum. Sorry, Mum. :s

I'm 15 and I can totally tell that we've drifted. Car rides to and from Truong are almost always silent. And I realised the only time I talk to my dad in the car is if there's some new technology (e.g. iPhone 4) or if I got an exam mark or my report or something like that back. With my mum, maybe we'd talk more about other stuff, but all I can think of is just grades and the future, like what I'm going to do in uni and what I wanna be when I grow up. There's not much to say, and I kinda miss having long conversations with you. Sometimes I think that maybe yeah, you're kinda strict about that and it really pisses me off. Honestly, get my lobe piercings when I'm 21, finished uni? Are you serious? It's things like that, things like getting piercings and dying my hair .. You are just totally against it. Completely. 100% negative. I guess maybe my mum is a bit more lenient about these things, well at least about piercings .. But maybe it's just cuz you're kinda scared what would happen if I did get piercings and did dye my hair. I remember having a conversation with Mum once, and I said, So you think if I dye my hair then I'm gonna take drugs as well? and she didn't say anything. It's things like that, like .. Do you seriously think I'm going to take drugs and jig and fricken ruin my life + future once I'm allowed to get my first piercings or dye my hair? Cuz that's just cut, what kind of person do you think I am.

I kinda lie too much about things. Especially going out. And I guess that the reason why we've drifted so much is because I don't tell you things anymore. I don't tell you what I get for assessments, even if they are good marks. I don't tell you what I get in topic tests because I don't really think they're important. I don't tell you when I'm going to have Truong tests. I don't tell you what I get for my Truong tests (but that's not cuz you'd rage cuz you wouldn't >:D). I don't tell you where I'm really going (which is to the city, not Parra). I don't tell you that I stay up until at least 12:30am every day. I haven't told you about Nick, but I know you think we're together anyway. I don't tell you the proper date when my assignments are due. I don't tell you about the parties I don't go to, so you think I go to all the parties people have because I ask about the ones I end up going to. I don't tell you about Cross Country or Athletics until the day before or on the day. I don't tell you that I get off at the stop before station so I can buy coffee or hot chocolate before school. I don't tell you when I go shopping. I don't tell you when I buy new things anymore. I just don't tell you things anymore, so you don't even know things about me anymore. I'm sorry. :( It actually really annoys me when you book my orthodontist appointments for me. Of all things, I don't know why, but that really annoys me for some reason. LOL.

At Truong, we've been told many times that we have to remember where we came from, and that our parents do so much for us, we don't even know. I'm sorry I don't really have this in my mind all the time. I know that I won't ever realise all the things you do for me, the things you don't tell me, the things you don't want me to know. I'm sorry I'm such a bitch to both of you all the time. Thank you for taking care of me for the past 15 years and for putting up with all the shit I give you. I'm sorry my phone bills were crazy high at one point. I'm sorry I don't tell you things anymore. I'm sorry my Canto really sucks now because I don't talk to you in Canto. I'm sorry I didn't put effort when I went to Chinese school and now I'm really wishing I could speak Mandarin. I'm sorry I'm not like the smartest kid out. I'm sorry I maybe care more than I should about looks and fashion. I'm sorry I spend my money on stupid things. I'm sorry I go on the computer too much. I'm sorry I don't do any physical activity anymore besides at school, even though you tell all our relatives and friends that I'm so skinny because I work out and do haps of sport. I'm sorry I always look pissed off at home. I'm sorry I want so many things. I'm sorry I wanted all these piercings and wanted to dye my hair. I'm sorry I'm a really picky eater sometimes, so it's kinda hard to cook for me because Idk if I'd like it. I'm sorry I eat too much unhealthy food. I'm sorry I maybe swear too much or more than you'd like me to. I'm sorry I'm so messy and that my room hasn't been clean and tidy in like months. I'm sorry I maybe buy too much. I do. I'm sorry I want to go out so much and I get pissed or cut when you don't let me. I'm sorry I talk back to both of you too much. Maybe not my dad but I don't know. I'm sorry I stay up way too late and you have to watch me from the heater to make sure I get off the computer at a reasonable time. I'm sorry I'm maybe going out with Nicholas and I know you don't wantm e to have a boyfriend until after highschool or in uni or after uni. Okay, I am going out with him. I'm sorry I've made you lose trust in me at times. I'm sorry for making you get pissed off at you so many times. I'm sorry I drink iced coffee. I'm sorry I don't talk to both of you properly anymore. I'm sorry we haven't had a proper conversation in a long time. I'm sorry I don't do the things I'm supposed to do. I'm sorry I haven't done the laundry in a while and you end up having to do it. I'm sorry you have to pay for a lot of my stuff. I'm sorry you have to drive me places sometimes, like to Truong and the random times I need to go Officeworks or something. I'm sorry I can't say these things to you in person.

Thank you for pushing me so much with studies and everything. Thank you for making me learn to swim when I was a kid. Thank you for buying me food and taking care of me. Thank you for letting me go out so much last term and kinda this term. Thank you for letting Nick come over a few times and for letting him stay over for dinner. Twice. Thank you for letting me choose my subject for year 11 myself. But you told me to do chem but yeah, okay, I don't mind. Thank you for still giving me my allowance. Thank you for not taking my phone at night anymore. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for letting me be independent. Thank you for doing things and taking time out of your day so I can do things I wanna do, or get things I wanna get.

I'm sorry I'm not the kinda of ideal daughter every parent would wanna have. I wouldn't really say this to you in real life because I think it's kinda weird, but I love you both. I don't think we've hugged in like years, but maybe we have, I don't know, lol. Thank you for helping me become the person I am today.

A lot of this letter is actually listing. So maybe it's not that interesting to read, but I don't know. I'm scared of so many things, but I don't tell you. Because I hardly talk to you anymore. I wish we were closer, I really do. I hope that in the future we'll become close. And what I'm really scared of but I can almost guarantee this, is that I'll regret everything I'm doing right now. Why am I wasting time being such a bitch to people that love me, and that I love? I don't know. And I'm scared that by the time I really realise that age isn't forever and that time is running out, it'll be too late. I'm so scared.

Kk getting teary, gg.


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