Man it's like almost 5am, what the hell am I doing awake. I think I should maybe sleep soon, cuz it's not like I'm on the phone or anything, and I can't wake up Danica at this time, since she always calls me at awkward times. I just don't want to sleep right now and it's not like I'm waiting for anything or have anything important to do. I think I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and hardly remember doing this, and when I sign into Blogger I'll be like Wth is wrong with me, I'm such a junkie, why didn't I just go to sleep.
So right now I'm just listening to my iPod, and it's a Jay Chou song right now, and I .. was under the blanket before but it's harder to type like that, so I'm sitting on my bed and it's actually pretty cold right now, so I have all my toys, which is just a total of 3 that I accumulated over the past 3 or less months, huddled up against me to keep warm, haha. I'm happy I went city the other day, cos now I have lip balm and now my lips taste vaguely of strawberry. The chilled night air is enough to raise the hairs on my arms, but my nose isn't uncomfortably cold. It's been a while since I wore the hoodie I borrowed to sleep but I can still smell the scent it carries. I was thinking about you before. Actually, I've been thinking about you since you texted me and went to sleep.
So anyway, before I started typing this, I was just sitting and thinking about things. Thinking about how cold and quiet it was, how I felt, what just happened, what I was doing right at that moment, whether I was going to sleep or listen to my iPod or what, why I wasn't feeling so tired even though it was past 4am. And I was thinking about you. I always do, and it makes me miss you and wish you were here. I started to miss you so much more. Maybe if this was another day, when you weren't getting ready to go out in just a couple of hours, it would've been fun to, like Danica does except with me, call at awkward times in the morning just to say 'I miss you' or 'I don't wanna sleep and I really really miss you and wanted to call you'. Just kidding about the Danica part, but that's what she calls at like 4am just to talk to me and Ken at the same time and I'm like sleepy and not listening to what she's saying. Anyway, as a result, I began thinking in terms of you and came to realise that: a) I'm listening to the song you gave me, b) I can taste the strawberry lip balm you bought me the other day, c) I can smell your scent off the hoodie you let me borrow, and d) I feel the soft fur of the toys you've bought me, all three of them. And you could probably say e) Wow, you've occupied four of my five senses even though you're not physically present.
I didn't realise until I thought about it, but you've eased into my life so casually, so smoothly. Every night, you are with me. Your clothes you have lent that I wear so loosely, your music I listen to with the same headphone model as the headphones I used to borrow off you, your cute gifts I cuddle to sleep. Your excited voice on the phone, telling me how cute that girl is, and how far you went with her the last time you saw her. Maybe most girls in relationships would worry if their partner said that, but it's become such a typical joke of yours that I play along and encourage you to get her involved, maybe tell him how jealous I am to that he met someone that satisfied him that way, cos my boyfriend sucks and I wish I had someone, regardless of their gender, that I could have fun with like that. We're both joking, and I love that we can just joke about that so casually.
Ever since I met you, ever since we started talking, we had fun and I really enjoyed talking to you. We got along surprisingly well, and although I have changed a lot over the years, our friendship has only become stronger. You haven't changed too much, and you've always been there for me. I was always pretty happy to have you, and you called me your 妹 and you were my 哥. But I remember I used to include you on this same blog, thanking you for the exact same thing: Thanks for always being there for me, you're so fun. Thanks for being the best brother out. When you left school, we started to fade and we didn't keep in touch well. It was when I saw you at the party when we started talking again, and for those 6 or 7 hours, I was just so hyped, so happy and had the best time ever. You left the country for a while, shortly after that. But when it was your birthday, I texted you and I remember you took a while to reply. I even remember where I was when I got your message, I think I even remember what bag I was wearing that day.
We started talking again, and when you called me at around 3:03am on that December morning, we talked until 5am, and I remember it was bright when I looked out the window. I slept on the single mattress that fit snugly when it used to be in my room, between my double bed and drawers. From that same day, things have been running so smoothly, and I am so much happier. I actually haven't been properly sad since then, and it's because of you. Thank you so, so much. You're the reason why I go over my monthly cap, why I love Pocky so much now, why I have three toys to hug to sleep each night, why I talk on the phone for hours every morning, why I listen to J-Pop and C-Pop, why I apparently always smile about nothing and Grace calls me weird, why I send 12+ message long messages every month, why I'm still awake cos I'm typing this and trying to make things sound nice so when you read it, hopefully it'll make you smile.
Wow, it's taken me like an hour and 45 minutes to write this. It's actually really bright outside. I should sleep, it's 6:29am.